Why I practice Lent

Today is the first day in the Lenten season, called Ash Wednesday. My denomination doesn't officially observe this this sacrament, but some members of my church do, and so do I. I don't remember when I first started doing this. I do remember a conversation with my mother about religious rituals, which ended by her saying, "You can observe it if you want, on your own." So I do.

I want to make it clear that this ritual is a personal choice, and not a requirement. Paul said, in Romans 14: "5 One person considers one day more sacred than another; another considers every day alike. Each of them should be fully convinced in their own mind. 6 Whoever regards one day as special does so to the Lord. Whoever eats meat does so to the Lord, for they give thanks to God; and whoever abstains does so to the Lord and gives thanks to God. 7 For none of us lives for ourselves alone, and none of us dies for ourselves alone. 8 If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord. 9 For this very reason, Christ died and returned to life so that he might be the Lord of both the dead and the living.
10 You, then, why do you judge your brother or sister? Or why do you treat them with contempt? For we will all stand before God’s judgment seat. 11 It is written:

“‘As surely as I live,’ says the Lord,

‘every knee will bow before me;
    every tongue will acknowledge God.’”

12 So then, each of us will give an account of ourselves to God.

13 Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in the way of a brother or sister. 14 I am convinced, being fully persuaded in the Lord Jesus, that nothing is unclean in itself. But if anyone regards something as unclean, then for that person it is unclean. 15 If your brother or sister is distressed because of what you eat, you are no longer acting in love. Do not by your eating destroy someone for whom Christ died. 16 Therefore do not let what you know is good be spoken of as evil. 17 For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit, 18 because anyone who serves Christ in this way is pleasing to God and receives human approval.
19 Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification. 20 Do not destroy the work of God for the sake of food. All food is clean, but it is wrong for a person to eat anything that causes someone else to stumble. 21 It is better not to eat meat or drink wine or to do anything else that will cause your brother or sister to fall.
22 So whatever you believe about these things keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the one who does not condemnhimself by what he approves. 23 But whoever has doubts is condemned if they eat, because their eating is not from faith; and everything that does not come from faith is sin.

Previously in chapter 12, Paul adjures, "1 Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God--this is your spiritual act of worship. 2  Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing, and perfect will. 3 For by the grace given me I say to everyone of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgement, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you." 

So. What do these huge passages of Scripture have to do with Lent, an old and, some would say, out-dated relic of ritualism? For me it has to do with a line from Lewis' The Last Battle: "Further up and further in!" My goal is to be near to the heart of God, as He is near to me. And He has made it clear to me that the way up begins with what Nouwen called "the descending road." If I seek His heart, I must first lay my life at His feet. If I seek His praise, I must be open to His discipline. If I desire to be called by His name, I must drink His cup. So once a year, for 46 days, I humble myself, apply some self-discipline, and make a concerted effort to be His servant, so that I may be called His daughter. Jesus fasted once for forty days and forty nights. What's it to me if He asks me to give up one thing for forty-six days a year?

Girl's Best Friend

I lost my dog yesterday. She was 18 and lived a long life, and she was my best friend. I wrote this poem a couple of weeks ago about her.

Girl's Best Friend

I miss the heavy electricity
of your body against my knees,
the way your heart goes "tha-thrum"
and mine sings "ba-bum!"

Mom says it's hard to watch you go "downhill,"
but what she means is that it's hard to watch you die.

First you couldn't come downstairs to sleep with me,
so I came up and slept by you.
Then you couldn't sit with me on the couch,
so I come down to the floor to sit with you.
Now your feeble legs are unsteady,
and I think you've lost weight on purpose
because they wouldn't support you anymore.
You weave from side to side.
You don't answer when you're called
and I feel so selfish for making you
live in this terrifying darkness.

But all I have done this year is grieve
and the world seems so harsh
when I think about it without you in it.
No one wagging at me, or meeting me at the door.
No fur to cry into, no doggie kisses anymore.
But this is the world I must get used to
because I don't want you to hurt anymore.

Cookie Monster: Origins

Long ago, in a galaxy far far away, there was a cookie-loving zombie alien. One day, he ate all the cookies in his solar system. (Teenagers, what can I say?) So he asked his mom where he could get more. "There are a whole bunch on Earth," she said. "But you have to have their money to get them, and you can get their money by getting a job."
"Okay, cool. See you this afternoonllenium." So he borrowed the spaceship (bet he didn't return it with a full gas tank, the punk) and came to Earth. He landed in New York City. The people had delicious-looking brains, but they were puny. The cookies, on the other hand, were ginormous compared to the ones he was used to. He really really wanted some.
He saw a sign outside a cookie store that said, "Help wanted: Monster needed for children's TV show."
So he went inside and asked what he had to do. When he found out all he had to do was eat cookies as fast and messily as possible, and sometimes sing, he signed on the dotted line immediately. When he was done for the day, he called his mom (and used up all the roaming-galaxy minutes). "Mom!" he said excitedly. "I got a job - and all I have to do is eat cookies!"
"That's great, Alistair," she said. "Who are you with, what are you doing after work, and when are you bringing my ship back?! I have a meeting next millennium and I can't be late!"
"All right, all right. Let me just work a couple more years and I'll be home."
"Fine, but you have to finish your schoolwork when you get back," his mom said.
So Alistair Cookie Monster continued to live on Earth and eat cookies instead of brains, because they're really more delicious anyways.

Spring and Fall

 by Gerard Manley Hopkins

 to a young child

Márgarét, áre you gríeving
Over Goldengrove unleaving?
Leáves, like the things of man, you
With your fresh thoughts care for, can you?
Ah! ás the heart grows older
It will come to such sights colder
By and by, nor spare a sigh
Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie;
And yet you will weep and know why.
Now no matter, child, the name:
Sórrow's spríngs áre the same.
Nor mouth had, no nor mind, expressed
What heart heard of, ghost guessed:
It ís the blight man was born for,
It is Margaret you mourn for.

Click on this to view the site where I copied the poem

Having experienced a different kind of loss recently, I find myself just as sad over something just as trivial as falling leaves. There is a physical sensation of dry mouth and choking, as though I had inhaled a cloud of dust. But the emotions are what define grief: denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, acceptance. I recently lost my full-time job, through no fault except corporate greed, and since I knew there was no talking my way out of this one, I seem to have skipped the bargaining stage. The most difficult part has not necessarily been dealing with reality, since my reality appears to be improving as a result. The most difficult part has been answering the same concerned questions over and over and over, ad nauseum. I don't mind answering those people whom I know actually care, but even their queries still exhaust me. What are you going to do? Where are you working now? Or the worst, from complete strangers: Are you losing your job? Though there were clear signs all over the store stating that we were closing and this was a liquidation sale. Keeping patience and gracefully answering were at times mutually exclusive. I finally just started telling the strange public, "I'm sorry, I don't feel comfortable discussing my personal life with people I don't know." The etiquette of privacy seems to have been lost somewhere in the technological evolution of a cell phone in every hand and a Facebook profile of every person. Only a quiet rage against the injustice of it all has allowed me to bare my heart here. Before I sink back into my relative, comfortable anonymity, let me just say this to those of you who really care: a hug speaks a thousand appropriate words, and I will never turn one down.