This is a monologue that I wrote for a playwriting class in college. Enjoy.
A dragon, looking weary, makes its way up a mountain. It
stops half-way up and a grinning princess appears. She helps it into the cave
and puts it to bed. The dragon says, with a stuffed nose, AStob laughig at be! I can burn you idto
a crisby brincess, you kdow.@
It hacks up a hairball. AOkay,
so I=b still a
liddle sick.@ The
dragon sniffs. AId=s dot by fault dat damned witch was
stobbed id the middle of the bloody road. Those stupid broobs should be made of
somethig less flabbable thad wood, especiallyB@its tone becomes snobbyB Aif
they thik they should be able to share the air with the fire-breathers. Idiot
witch brigade. More like bitch brigade, if you ask be. Those silly diddies are
worse thad you air-headed bridcesses. All that ridiculous magic, and cauldrods,
and brewig - id=s doe wonder
the forest is such a bess these days. Thigs were bedder back whed Barion the
Fierce was id charge of thigs. And thed that dummy George had to go and slay
him - made a regular bess of it, too. Now there=s
talk of cadodizing the bastard. I never heard a more hare-braid idea id by
life!@ The
dragon has gotten worked up; it tries to blow fire on a coat rack and meows
with smoke instead. It sneezes again; fluff comes out of its nostrils and the
princess giggles loudly. AShud
ub! Or I=ll
scratch you. I haven=t
lost by claws, thak Zeus. Hadd me a tissue. Thaks.
ADard, I
wish we had some chamomile tea. Be a dear for once and get me some. And watch
out for the hairballs id the trash; I=b
not sure if I=b
contagious or dot. I hate these stupid cat-colds. It=s
worse than the flu. First your dose gets stuffy, and you start blowing out
fluff. Then you get the cough, and hack up hairballs. If it gets really bad,
you can=t even
breathe fire - you meow and smoke. Dabn the witch that idvedted this stupid
magic cold!
ABut the
witch that gave me this? I got her back. When she gets home, she=ll find a little boy and girl at her
house, and she=ll try to
lock up the boy, but the girl will push her idto the oven, and she=ll burd up. Took me forever to convince
them that she couldn=t
eat human children. She=s
a candy-witch; she can only eat sugar. But no, those silly things were sure
that they would be there for dinner.@
The dragon sneezes; the princess hands it tea. AThak
you dear. Oh, I got you that frog you wanted. It=s
id the black chest next to the golden goblet and scarab beetle. I got them from
the oddest man - he had a towel on his head. Tasted kinda sandy. Said his name
was somethig like >Aladdid,= but those foreigners - one can never
be sure one is prodoudcig it right. You just wait, someday those towel-headed
creatures are going to cause trouble. Babbling about >Allah= and >jihad= B
sounds like a good excuse for a war. >Towel= starts with >T= and that stands for >trouble.=
The dragon has finished its tea. AI=b goig to go lie down, dear. Take good
care of your frog, I don=t
want himb to catch by cold. These magic enchantments tend to bind to one
another. You don=t want a
prince who meows, do you? The princess shakes her head Ano.@
AG=night, dear. Don=t
scare him too badly.@
The dragon lays down to sleep, and the princess blows out a few candles and
leaves the room in darkness.
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